Today I've been pelted with discouragement. Practically drenched in it. I almost let it get to me, then I thought. Really thought. My jaw clenched, my heels dug in. Resolute, yes. Stubborn, indeed.
I remember when I was little I would just decide I wasn't going to do something and use every part of my being to make that happen. I can still see my mom wielding the yard stick. I'd tense up like a board. Whack, whack. I wasn't going to wince. She'd pick me up by my fists, balled at my side and carry me. I still don't remember why I wasn't going to do what she asked. I'm not even sure I had a reason. I would not give in.
I'm still stubborn, but I've got a better grasp on picking my battles. So when discouragement reared it's ugly head, I had a choice to make. You see, I have spent my last few years convicted of how unreliable I am. I say "yes" to everything and follow through sparingly. After a few people I really admire pointed out my flaw, I decided to let my "yes" be "yes" and my "no" be "no". A few years ago while leading worship in Sunday school we sang a simple song about people being able to depend on us. I realized, I cannot expect the kids to mean it if I did not mean it. Now, I do. It took God doing a lot of work in me. It took turning down the "better" options for the one I was already committed to.
That's why it deeply discouraged me to have so many people recently look upon decisions I have made as half-thought out and unprepared. I was questioned on a laundry list of things they assumed I never considered. Little knowing, I have been praying and preparing for this decision for almost 9 months. I spent 6 months just praying about it and weighing the options. Once I decided on a course of action, I surrounded myself with knowledgeable, encouraging people to help me begin my task. This decision being the one to move to Australia and start courses to become a missionary. It hurt the most to have a good friend call it "hair brained" and tell me I am wasting my talent and God's time.
Interestingly enough, just hours before I got her e-mail I had been reading my Bible and praying. God reminded me of my move to Boise. I had nothing but people telling me it was a terrible idea. I didn't know anyone in Boise, I didn't have a job, I didn't have a place to live, but somehow I knew I was suppose to be in Boise. Almost 5 years and many trials later, I can tell you I still know without a doubt this is where I was suppose to be. Not one person encouraged me or agreed with my move. But I knew it was what God wanted.
While preparing is important, I think our culture places too much emphasis on all of the options. Are there options when God is calling? Did the disciples sit around wondering if it was better to leave their jobs or to follow Jesus? Did they call a council, look for signs, ask their parents? No, they got up and went.
A co-worker pointed out to me I may not be able to come back and get a better paying job. She's right. I make pretty good money for my age. She's right. The economy may not get better. I don't want to spend my life living for what may or may not happen. I dream big, but I want to act bigger.
Pastor Harvey Carey described the American church as a team that gets in a huddle and stays in the huddle. The church talks and talks about the action it will take but it never gets on the field and plays. What would the world look like if we really believed that God was strong enough? What if our actions reflected our words?
I appreciate people's concerns for me. But, I'm tired of dreaming big and never following through. I'm beyond weighing options. I stubbornly believe I am called to this. I am afraid at times, I've calculated the risks, but I'm more afraid of living a life and never truly acting as big as I dream.
Betsie ten Boom once told her sister after a bomb went off showering their home in shrapnel, "There are no 'if's' in God's kingdom. And, no places that are safer than any other. The center of His will is our only safety..." That's my resolve.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
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