Monday, November 28, 2011

Bold for Christ?

I blew it! I completely screwed up! You know those opportunities staring you in the face and you completely walk away? I recently had one.

See on my DTS I felt pretty bold for Christ. It wasn't so bad going into the streets and sharing God with backpackers, teenagers, and random "townies". Probably because I knew I wouldn't be back and they'd never see me again (well, not until heaven I hoped.) It was also easier because I was with 36 other people doing the same thing. We'd pray together, encourage each other, and go.

That's all great but God wants us to be bold for Him as much in Jerusalem (home) as in Samaria (further away areas).

I was sitting at Java reading my Bible, journaling, sipping my Bowl of Soul before meeting with a friend to talk about her trip to Africa. A girl came in and sat close to me.... obnoxiously close. I was annoyed, of all the places in the coffee shop to sit it had to be within my personal bubble! This was MY "quiet time"! (Yeah, I still have a pretty selfish heart.)

Then (thinking somehow I own this little space of coffee shop) she has the nerve to start talking to people who pass through, apparently she knows them. I'm sitting so close I cannot help but hear her conversation. She's probably my age (mid-late 20's). Less than a year ago she woke up and was completely blind in one eye. The Dr's had trouble diagnosing it. It was an eye disease so rare hardly anyone in the US actually has it. There is nothing they can do. She was sharing with her friend about how terrified she was when it happened and she had to fly back to Boise from California where she is living all alone to be with her parents. She sounded so helpless and upset over her condition. It also seemed clear she wasn't a follower of Christ.

Her friend left the shop and she sat quietly typing on her laptop.

God prodded me, "I want you to pray for her." So I prayed. "No, I want you to go over to her and pray for her."

"God, are you kidding me? This place is busy but not busy enough no one would notice!"

"She needs to hear about ME and be healed!"

"Wait, God, you want me to go over to this stranger in this coffee shop I frequent, share You, and pray out loud for healing for a girl who isn't a Christian?"

"YES"

"Are you kidding me!?! They are going to think I'm nuts!"

I tried to negotiate with God.... perhaps sitting this close my silent prayers would heal her. A sign... I need a clear sign. (Okay, I heard God loud and clear on that one, I just wanted a miracle, like no one else but me and her in the coffee shop, God forbid people judge me!)

God wouldn't let me out of it but I was full of excuses (Oh, Moses, I know your pain.) What's more is not only was I afraid of man but what if I prayed for healing and God didn't heal her?

In the time I sat negotiating with God knowing clearly what He wanted me to do, my friend showed up and the girl left the coffee shop.

The worst part of all. I know I failed. I know what I was suppose to do. I wonder how cool and what a testament it would be to be able to sit here and glorify God for healing a stranger's blindness and bringing her.... if not those around who witnessed to Christ! And if she hadn't been healed? She still would have heard about God and had hope to cling to! But, deep down, I know she would have been. I let a person go blind because I was afraid of people's opinions! Seriously!?!

Worst of all, I possibly let people perish because of my fear. What's blindness compared to eternity separated from God? My prayer now.... don't let her suffer because I failed to move! I wonder how often God sees this in all of us. In our comfy churches. How much of the world hasn't heard because we were not bold for Christ? In Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and the ends of the earth?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

When He is Sufficient

I was raised to be fiercely independent. As a child, I remember helping my dad work on cars or the house, he'd tell me, "I don't want you to need anyone for anything." I grew up believing the "right way" was to be able to take care of myself in every aspect.

If I wanted something, I had to work for it. My family is made up of mostly Germans who arrived in America at the early 1900's. They were poor immigrants who worked very hard. That's what the American dream is all about after all, 'if you work hard enough, you will be successful.'

I started working at 13 years old. I took every job from painting, to babysitting, to mowing, farm labor, etc. Once I could legally work, I had about 3 jobs at one time all the way through high school. If I wanted something, I worked for it. I wanted to go to college so I worked hard in high school to get good grades, eventually leading to mass quantities of scholarships to a great private college. (to my non-American friends, college/university isn't paid for here.)

This pattern kept on my whole life. I did it. No one else helping.

That's where I've been so wrong. I've completely missed the mark. First of all, I am grateful to my parents for pushing me and teaching me about cars, household repairs, building things, cooking, education, etc... But, I'm learning I am not sufficient and how damaging that outlook on life really has been.

I look back on my last real 'relationship'. He was gone for a long time overseas in Iraq. I could be there for him as much as possible, but still have my freedom. Still look out for me. He came home and was soon super frustrated with me. In my independent thinking, I didn't let him serve me. While I never realized until too late that I was doing it; I just failed to ask him for help when I needed help. I wanted him around. I wanted him to take care of me, but had no idea how to allow him to be the man. Why ask when you can just do? Right? After all, I didn't want to be "needy".

"God helps those who help themselves." I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. We think this is scripture. We disdain those who can't.

If you ever pick up a Bible, you find quite the contrary. God helps the weak and helpless. God sustains. He took a group of helpless people who were enslaved for 100's of years and made them His people. I've been reading the Old Testament and I see time and time again how God provides. Seriously, food that falls from heaven each day! No water.... no problem, just hit this rock.... gush, WATER! At war against tens of thousands of men; it's cool, God defeats them with 300 Israelites.

Doesn't James say, "True religion is this.... to provide for the widow and orphan." Not exactly those who help themselves.

My work ethic.... a gift from God. My brains that got me into a great college, all God. My jobs, also God.

The longer I live, the more I see it was never me providing for me. God has strategically placed people and events in my life. Recently I've been getting ready to head out onto the mission field.... Long-term. In the meantime, I've been struggling to make ends meet; I feel like a huge failure!

That's when God spoke up. "It's not you, it's never been you." "I'm not going to give you success right now because when I provide for you in missions and in life, I want you to know it was ME and ME alone who was carrying you."

In fact, God did more. He challeneged me at the beginning of my jobs to give. Sacrificially, painfully. Not because He needs my money. But so I can know it was Him.

Does independence come at a cost? Too high. I cannot make it one day without God sustaining me. I find myself pushing life like a huge, growing boulder up a hill when I try to do it on my own. As soon as I let go, it's amazing where He takes my life. All that I have, whether through my toil or not, is His and from Him. Not only Him, but the people He has put me into contact with.

While I've prided myself in being able to run half-marathons, wear 4" heels, shingle a house, cook carrot cake from scratch, and change a car's oil.... Turns out, this life was never about me and what I can do after all.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Prayer Requests (Just the beginning!)

Just got all of my visa paperwork for Australia today. I am feeling unbelievably overwhelmed. Didn't realize all that goes into this.

-Pray I get the local info like fingerprints and police background paperwork in by the end of the week, filled out and ready to go.

-Pray, I can get my paperwork from the FBI (yes, I have to get a bunch of stuff from them) expediently. They say it can take up to 3 months to get that back, I have to have it way sooner to send in my visa info. (Pray it takes 1 month or less).

-On top of all of the paperwork to send to the Aussie gov, they are saying I need a minimum of $28,000 a year to live in Aus. I have done a budget over and over again and feel I need about half that. I don't want to raise more support than necessary but the Aussie gov may not give me a visa if I can't prove I have that much coming in.

-In that, pray support starts coming in, so I can prove I will have money when over there.

-Finally, I have a memory stick with a ton of this info on it from my first trip to Aus. It has been MIA for the past 2 months and I have no idea what happened to it. I have literally looked everywhere possible. Pray it comes up. That will save me money and days worth of time if I can find it.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

At The Beginning (Praise and Prayers)

Well, this is really happening.

Over the weekend I got the message that I was officially accepted to join the Staff at the YWAM base in Townsville, QLD. Reef to Outback here I come. After much excitement, reality swept over.... in the next three weeks I will need $1000-$1500 for the initial start up. $450 for staff training and supplies, $400-$600 or so for health insurance (required by the Australian government), and finally $300+ for my visa application.

It swept over me hard and I got a bit overwhelmed... but I know this amount is nothing for God to handle.

In other praise, I found out all of the giving can be funneled through YWAM accounts in Tyler, TX which means all of my monthly supporters will be able to claim their giving on taxes! I also got my first supporters this weekend!!!!

And, finally, another huge praise is knowing that my friend from DTS, Marcelo (from the UK), will be returning with me to join the staff! I can't wait to do another step in this journey with him!