If I wanted something, I had to work for it. My family is made up of mostly Germans who arrived in America at the early 1900's. They were poor immigrants who worked very hard. That's what the American dream is all about after all, 'if you work hard enough, you will be successful.'
I started working at 13 years old. I took every job from painting, to babysitting, to mowing, farm labor, etc. Once I could legally work, I had about 3 jobs at one time all the way through high school. If I wanted something, I worked for it. I wanted to go to college so I worked hard in high school to get good grades, eventually leading to mass quantities of scholarships to a great private college. (to my non-American friends, college/university isn't paid for here.)
This pattern kept on my whole life. I did it. No one else helping.
That's where I've been so wrong. I've completely missed the mark. First of all, I am grateful to my parents for pushing me and teaching me about cars, household repairs, building things, cooking, education, etc... But, I'm learning I am not sufficient and how damaging that outlook on life really has been.
I look back on my last real 'relationship'. He was gone for a long time overseas in Iraq. I could be there for him as much as possible, but still have my freedom. Still look out for me. He came home and was soon super frustrated with me. In my independent thinking, I didn't let him serve me. While I never realized until too late that I was doing it; I just failed to ask him for help when I needed help. I wanted him around. I wanted him to take care of me, but had no idea how to allow him to be the man. Why ask when you can just do? Right? After all, I didn't want to be "needy".
"God helps those who help themselves." I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. We think this is scripture. We disdain those who can't.
If you ever pick up a Bible, you find quite the contrary. God helps the weak and helpless. God sustains. He took a group of helpless people who were enslaved for 100's of years and made them His people. I've been reading the Old Testament and I see time and time again how God provides. Seriously, food that falls from heaven each day! No water.... no problem, just hit this rock.... gush, WATER! At war against tens of thousands of men; it's cool, God defeats them with 300 Israelites.
Doesn't James say, "True religion is this.... to provide for the widow and orphan." Not exactly those who help themselves.
My work ethic.... a gift from God. My brains that got me into a great college, all God. My jobs, also God.
The longer I live, the more I see it was never me providing for me. God has strategically placed people and events in my life. Recently I've been getting ready to head out onto the mission field.... Long-term. In the meantime, I've been struggling to make ends meet; I feel like a huge failure!
That's when God spoke up. "It's not you, it's never been you." "I'm not going to give you success right now because when I provide for you in missions and in life, I want you to know it was ME and ME alone who was carrying you."
In fact, God did more. He challeneged me at the beginning of my jobs to give. Sacrificially, painfully. Not because He needs my money. But so I can know it was Him.
Does independence come at a cost? Too high. I cannot make it one day without God sustaining me. I find myself pushing life like a huge, growing boulder up a hill when I try to do it on my own. As soon as I let go, it's amazing where He takes my life. All that I have, whether through my toil or not, is His and from Him. Not only Him, but the people He has put me into contact with.
While I've prided myself in being able to run half-marathons, wear 4" heels, shingle a house, cook carrot cake from scratch, and change a car's oil.... Turns out, this life was never about me and what I can do after all.
No comments:
Post a Comment